This is no beginning...this is the final cut.

I am in LOVE with this one. Dear Mr. President.

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And I still feel like I'm drowning.

I'm missing something. And I'm starting to realize it's damn important.

I am so in love with Coheed. I really can't wait until their new album comes out. I'm already loving The Running Free.

All non-believers stand aside and fear
A new day's marching through the door
How could you ever think you'd make it here?
Did it bleed? Was it sore?
Through the struggles you've endured

You've come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now?

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Spend your time well before you go
Here in hell

Your living ends before the engineer
What was your motive in this fight?
(did they play you for the weaker of them?)
How could you ever think you'd make it here?
Was it greed that pushed your heart through the struggles you've endured?

You've come so far from innocence
Provided all the consequence
Only what does it matter now?

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Spend your time well before you go
Here in hell

(There's a hell in all of us)
Spend your time well before you go...
(There's a hell in all of...)
In a law that's all your own
(There's a hell in all of us)
There are no secrets you can hide
(There's a hell in all of...)
From yourself, in your mind, leave the worst of all behind

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home

Spend your time well before you go
Here in hell

I get really anxious at night when I have to sleep by myself. B's working nights and Anna had to go home and it makes me nervous a lot. And attached to the computer. I don't know why...maybe just looking for someone to talk to. Waiting for someone.

I really should sleep.

Well that was all interesting!

Little John's been talking to me more. He found me on myspace and has been emailing me back and forth for a couple of days now and he told me last night that he's had a HUGE crush on me for years. Like...way back in high school when I had a HUGE crush on him! That just kills me.

On top of that, he's turned into this wonderful, wonderful man! He travels outside of the country ever 5-8 months, sings and works for a Breast Cancer foundation, he's turned pagan and loves and respects women like no other! He's been to Belgium, Scotland, Paris, Jamaica, and he's planning on going to Holland next.

Omg If only....

I totally should have gone after him in High School! Damn Hindsight!

I...work way too damn much. And I need to go back to school.

My cat has separation anxiety.

I've been tempted to write this for awhile now. Normally when I have an idea, it'll fade out again in a couple of hours. However, this next thing I'm going to write has been in my head for about a month. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I find it important in some way. Many of you won't want to read it and that's okay. Mostly it's for me. To remind me in it's own way. But I've been compelled to write this, so here I go.

A lot of times when people get out of relationships, they tend to remember the reason they broke up. The unhappy things, the problems. But I don't want to think about all my exes this way. I loved some of them, I loathed a few. But one of the most important thing from this and from them, is that I must remember that they shaped me. They showed me wonderful things. They showed me who I was. And I think that's really important. I don't want to forget them. And I guess, I never will. So in this next bit, I'm going to remind myself of what they've done and the good times. And those who are lucky to be on GJ get a cut tag around here so you can avoid it. Myspace, however, gets to SUFFER!

Colin was my first love. And sometimes with love, very honest love, comes confusion and heartbreak. We had a lot of that but now a days when I think back to the time we were together, I try to remember all the fun and happy things we did. I didn't start dating until a month before my 18^th birthday. I had been friends with him for a couple of months and I had fallen head over heels for him the moment I saw him. He was gorgeous, he could sing, and he had the most lovely golden eyes I had seen. And for some reason, he didn't just over look me like a lot of guys. I got up the guts to ask for his phone number and from that moment on, I found a person that meant a whole lot to me. Not only was the timing right (troubles with my dad and friends) but it was right at a point that was crucial for me to grow. I was going to go to college. Anyhow...He taught me that it was okay to be intimate with a person and not to constantly fret over physical appearances. He pushed me to be better. We had weight challenges with each other, we would excersize and not think about it. He took me hiking and didn't discriminate me because of my weight. He made me feel so special in so many ways. He taught me how to love, and though I caught on late, he taught me how to do it so I wasn't afraid of what others thought. He also made me realize how fragile my heart was and what it was like to lose it. Though things have sadly fallen to a horrible relationship between us, I will never forget him. He really was my best friend, my lover, and my love all at the same time.

Steve was next and I didn't really date him long. Out of everyone, he's the one I'm glad I don't talk to anymore. He frankly used me. And he used me when I was weak. But I began to understand that and now I'm stronger because of it.

Will/Colin. I feel very awkward about calling him just Colin, but that's what he goes by. William is his first name. Anyhow...After my terrible break down I had after my first boyfriend and the eventual used feeling from my second washed over me, I got sucked into an online game. And while I was on there, I met this person who I thought was an older (40's) woman! I got really close and comfortable talking to this person because I didn't have to do it face to face. And it turned out really weird because this woman turned out to be a man about my age. And this guy could sense my moods through a computer. And through his care and attention, he began lifted me out of my deep depression that I had been for a year. He gave me faith, hope, attention. He relieved me from my guilt over Colin. He helped me when I didn't think I could get up anymore. And because of him, I'm thankful everyday. Because no matter what, I know there's someone else out there. Someone who can help and care and I'm never alone.

Bryan. Oh geeze, Bryan. We didn't really date but I can say this, he definitely made me feel like I was a woman again. And that even though I'm a bigger girl, you can be beautiful.

Aaron was my most recent ex. It's really hard to decide where this began and where it really ended. He, besides Colin, was the only other man and boyfriend I ended up truly loving. He was sort of my whirlwind relationship. I met him on the Internet, and I flew off to meet him when my parents didn't want me to come home for the holidays. And I found everything I was looking for there. Home, family, escape from my past, love, future. There was so much there. Well I went back to school and then when things fell through with school and some things happened with him, I decided I was going to move to Indiana to live with him. And for the entire two months I lived there, I loved it. The only thing I seemed to be missing was him. Something happened there between us. And essentially, it drove me away. But it never changed the fact that I cared for him. I guess the real big realizations about my feelings for him came much later. About a year later. Because I still thought of him. And I wished that I would have gotten to know him so much better. I wish all the love and acceptance I had found in Indiana had been completed by him. If it had, I'd probably still be there. But I still had some growing to do and some flaws I needed to fix. I learned I should have talked to him more. After all, he made me be stronger and realize what I want in my life and in love. He really made me realize that life can be full of music and new adventures and no matter how much you think you've grown, you can always grow more.

And everything that's changed me the most drastically, has been from these men. Because as much as people want to think that they don't need these people or that these people didn't mean as much, they really did. I changed because of these men. I changed because of others as well. Men, women, friends, family. But I can definitely say that no matter how many tears I've cried or how many times I've had a broken heart, these are the people who made my heart beat and make me bounce in my step. And no matter what, they've made me into a better person. I will always love them for that. Always.

Brandon's so infuriating sometimes. I have to stop myself from arguing with him sometimes. He just...doesn't get it.